Return of the jedi: the comedy version
by lozza1989
Summary: This is a parody of star wars episode 6- return of the jedi. Please note that this is a parody so don't take it too seriously, also a couple of character's name's have been changed for comedy purpose's but the rest still have their original names.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one

Authors note: This is a parody of Star wars episode 6-return of the jedi so don't take it too serioulsy, it's like comedy version of the film.

Prolouge: After being frozen in carbonite, Han solo was taken to Jabba the hutt's palace and placed on the wall so that jabba could make him into a human dart board (poor bloke) ,but his buds Lando calrission,Luke skywalker, threepio, r2-d2 , chewbacca and his furture wife Princess Leia were planning on breaking into big fat jabba's palace and getting han out of there. Meanwhile, big bad ass Darth vader and his one zillion year old master Darth hidious were plotting on trying to get Luke to join the dark side, but will he?

Now to the real story

Darth Vader was half way through building a brand new Death star and already it was evil looking and he plotted on making it more deadlier than his previous Death star, so deadly that it could blow up an entire universe. Meanwhile, a bunch of imperial officers were in the monitor room and several of them were gathered round one monitor watching some very rude video on youtube when the lead officer came to inform them that Darth vader was on his way back from somewhere.

"Damn it, turn off the rude video before Darth sees it or he'll go ape shit " one imerial officer panicked. Just then the imperial death march began playing indicating that Darth vader had arrived.

"I'll go and greet the old darthster, you lot look like you're working and please don't go on your facebook pages or he'll force choke the lot of you" the lead officer said before leaving to greet Darth vader on the landing platform. When he arrived , he was revealed to be wearing a t-shirt under his uniform saying I LOVE DARTH VADER in big bold letters. As Darth vader came out of his evil looking space transporter, the officer knelt down on his knees.

"Get (breath) of your knees you idiot" Darth vader boomed. The officer nodded and did as he was told.

"Lord vader, we are honoured by your presence and we would like to present you with a---"

"You may inform the imperial troops that Darth hidious is coming here" Vader said as he cut the officer off "and he is most displeased with the lack of effort that is happening to finish off this Death star. All they seem to do is slack about but I am putting my trust in you General jackass to make sure that those (breath) slackers get some work emperor is not as forgiving as I am."

"As you wish my lord" General jackass replied "I will get to it right away."

"And General jackass" Darth vader said.

"Yes my lord?" General jackass asked in a proffesional manner.

"Get rid of that stupid t-shirt" Darth vader ordered. A bunch of stormtroopers burst out laughing.

"Haven't (breath) you lot got some evil doings to be doing?" Darth vader boomed.

Meanwhile on the sandy planet of tatooine, Threepio and Artoo where making their way to Jabba the hutt's palace to rescue Han sole who was frozen in carbonite.

"Of course I'm not bluffing Artoo" Threepio said in his bristish accent "Lando and Chewie never returned from this awful place."

"Bloop bloop whoo whoo (translation: I agree, it sure is a mystery of what happened to them)" Artoo responded in agreement.

"I know Artoo, it is a big mystery of what happened to them" Threepio replied.

"Whoo whoo bleep bleep(translation: will you tell me about this jabba the butt or whatever they call him?)" Artoo asked

"Well if I told you about this jabba fellow, you'll commit suicide" Threepio replied as they finally arrived at the doors of Jabba's palace.

"I'd better knock I suppose" Threepio said before he nervously tapped on the metal doors. Suddenly, a long pole with Ronald McDonald's face jumped out and scared the circuits out of threepio.

"Hello and welcome to McDonalds my name is fred, may I take your order?" said a voice from the Ronald McDonald face.

"I think we've arrived at the wrong place, I don't think this is Jabba's palace" Threepio told Artoo.

"Would you like fries with that?" the intercom asked.

"No I wouldn't, I am looking for Jabba the hutt's palace" Threepio barked.

"We also have a special offer on pepsi today" the voice on the intercom said. Sighing in annoyance, Threepio walked off with Artoo rolling behind. Jabba's palace was situated next to the McDonalds and Threepio knocked again. The two droids waiting for a full five minutes and no one came.

"I don't think any one is home Artoo" Threepio informed . Suddenly a robotic eyeball on a stick jumped out and started speaking in a gibberish language.

"Oh my god" Threepio yelled "it's an eyeball." The eyeball rolled itself and demanded to know who the two droids were.

"Ahh yes, I am C3po human cyborg relations and this is my soul mate Artoo-detoo" Threepio replied. The eyeball said something which sounded like "Are you guys gay lovers?"

"That's none of your buisness" Threepio snapped "now take us to jabba now."The eyeball shot back inside after it called threepio a very naughty word.

"What a very rude eyeball" Threepio scoffed "come on Artoo, let's go and tell Luke that they won't let us in." Just as the droids were about to leave, the big doors opened and the droids walked in.

"I don't think we should do this Artoo, I'm a big coward" Threepio announced "and I don't want to meet this jabba , oh why did I agree to do this?."The two gay lover droids were greeted by a man who looked like he had a big worm on his head.

"what you want?" he asked the two droids

"We demand to see your leader, jabba the hutt" Threepio said, trying to hide his cowardlyness.

"You no see jabba" the worm head spat.

"We demand to see jabba, we bring a message to his fat assness" Threepio ordered, trying to be brave.

"Ok, you see jabba" worm man said "follow this way." The two droids follwed into Jabba's main chambers where a party was in full swing and lady gaga's poker face was playing in the background. Jabba was on a big rock thing, smoking a bong. Worm headed man who's actually name was bibbit jones walked up to jabba and whispered something in his ear.

"Droids bring message to jabba" bibbit jones said, indicating to threepio and Artoo.

"Ahhhhh, show me message now" Jabba ordered. Artoo bleeped and rolled further away from Jabba but Threepio slapped him on the top of his dome.

"Will you just show him the god damnm message you useless little pipsqueak" he snapped.

"Bleep bleep bloop squeak squeak weeee (translation: alright you jerk,just shut the hell up and stop whinging") Artoo said in response.

"What are you talking about, I'm not whinging" Threepio replied in a high pitched tone.

"Bloop bloop squak splat (translation: yeah yeah whatever gold features") Artoo mutttered.

"Oh just show jabba the message so we get the hell out of here" Threepio barked.

"Bleep bleep (translation: ok keep your circuits intact") Artoo replied before showing Jabba the holographic image of Luke Skywalker in a black suit.

"Greetings oh fat one, I am Luke sywalker, jedi knight and friend of captain solo" he said.

"Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Two hours later

"oooooooh" Jabba responded.

"I know you are really powerful oh obese one and that your anger with solo must be really powerful" he continued.

"Oooooh fafa" Jabba replied.

" So I would like to present a gift in order to bargain for solo's life, these two droids." He indicated towards Threepio and Artoo.

"WHAT?" Threepio yelled. Artoo squealed a high pitched noise.

"Both are really hard working and will serve you well. Oh by the way Jabba, lose some weight you fat slug." The image then dissapeared. Bibbit jones walked over to Jabba and whispered something to Jabba.

"Oooooooooooh, there be no bargain" Jabba boomed "I no give up my human dart board." He then pointed to the wall were a frozen Han solo was hung and it looked like he was half way through a raising the roof dance as he got frozen.

"Oh my Artoo look, it's captain solo and he's still frozen in carbonite and there's a million darts gathered around the floor near him" said threepio.

"Yes, darts do not stick to solo, but I find throwing darts at solo very amusing" Jabba replied. Pretty soon Threepio and Artoo were being hauled to the droid torture section by two green pigs.

"What came over master Luke back there, he never seemed to hate me" Threepio whined.

"Bleep bleep bloop (translation: I don't know, maybe he's playing a joke on us and jabba)" Artoo suggested. The droids were taken into a room and greeted by an evil looking grey droid.

"Ahhh new acqusisions I see" it said in an evil droid voice as it turned to Threepio "you are a protocol droid are you not?"

"I am c3po, human cyborg relations" Threepio replied.

"yes or no will do" evil grey droid said,

"Well yes I am Duh" Threepio replied.

"How many languages do you speak?" Evil grey droid asked.

"I can speak over six billion languages. I can also wash windows, play the harmonica, make pancakes, bake cakes, bake buns,download movies illegally,cheat in poker,know all the lyrics to all the songs ever invented and I can also polish shoes" Threepio replied.

"Execellent" replied evil grey droid " we have been looking for a protocol droid that does all that since our master got angry with our last protocol droid and disintergrated him." Threepio looked and saw a white protocol droid being disintegrated.

"Ow, so much pain" was the droid's last words.

"Take him back to his fatt assness's main chamber" evil grey droid instructed. Two green pigs came along and dragged threepio away.

"Artoo, I am going to miss youuuuuuuuu" he said as he vanished round the corner.

"Blaaaap weee squeak squeak (translation: you are a jackass)" Artoo said to evil grey droid.

"You're a feisty little one" evil grey droid replied "but you will soon learn some respect."

"Bleep bleep bloop bloop (translation:don't count on it bitch)" Artoo replied.

"I have needs for you on the master's sail barge, you will be serving drinks" evil grey droid said. Two green pigs then carried Artoo away.

"Bleep bleep squak squaky bloop (translation: I am so screwed.)" he said as he got carried away.

To be continued......


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter two

While Artoo was being carried onto Jabba's sail barge, the fat slug was having a beer party and he forced a green slave girl to dance for his own amusent.

"Ho ho ho ho ho ho, this party good" Jabba said. The music stopped and the green slave girl stopped dancing and Jabba became pissed off.

"Put music back on, Jabba wanna see sexy slave girl dance" he boomed.A Droid with two heads who was in charge of the cd player turned the cd player on and Britney's spear's womanizer began blaring out through the area.

"Dance sexy slave girl dance for jabba" Jabba ordered. The slave girl refused and called Jabba a big fat bastard.

"You hurt jabba's feeling, bad slave girl" Jabba boomed. He pulled onto a lever that was built onto his lazy rock and the slave girl fell through the trap door. No one could see what was happening to her, but they knew she was being eaten alive by something because they heard her screaming, then silence, then a great big belch. Jabba then ordered Threepio to dance to womanizer for his own amusement.

"But I cannot dance" Threepio replied "I am not flexible, I am all metal." Jabba roared and went to murder Threepio when a short bounty hunter came walking in and was holding Chewbacca on a dog leash.

"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah" Chewbacca growled.

"I have captured this wookie" the bounty hunter said.

"Ohno, you captured chewbacca" Threeepio said who had survived Jabba's attempt to murder him.

"Raaaaaaaaaaaaar" Chewbacca said pitfully.

"Ah we have mighty chewbacca, big hairy wookie" Jabba responded.

"Do I get a reward for capturing this smelly hairy wookie?" the bounty hunting asked. Chewbacca became offended when the bounty hunter called him smelly.

"yes, I pay you one thousand for the capture of wookie" Jabba replied.

"I want thirty thousand, no lesser than that" The bounty hunter said "I want to spend it on beer kegs for my flat."

"Why should Jabba pay you thirty thousand?" Jabba asked. The bounty hunter sighed and pulled out a small round device.

"Because he's holding a thermal detonator" Threepio yelled amnd running to hide under one of the buffet tables.

"and if jabba don't pay you thirty thousand, you blow up jabba palace?" Jabba asked.

"Yes I do you fat ass" The bounty hunter replied. Jabba stopped and thought for a moment, if he didn't pay the bounty hunter thirty thousand, his beloved palace would blow up.

"Fine" he said "jabba pay you thirty thousand, now lock up the wookie and feed it scraps." The bounty hunter dragged a roaring chewbacca to the dungeons as Threepio came out from under the buffet table and looked around.

"Oh so this place is still here" he said "guess the bounty hunter didn't blow up the place after all." Jabba sneezed on Threepio and now he was covered in a big greeny bogey.

"Why must I suffer like this" the gold droid said pitfully as the vile green stuff dripped from him and onto the floor. That night, all the people in the palace got drunk and fell asleep surrounded by half eaten pizza's, empty bags of potatoe chips and empty beer cans. As they snored drunkenily, the bounty hunter who had bought Chewbacca had snuck back in, climbed over the drunken heap of Jabba's goons and walked over to Carbonite Han. The bounty hunter then switched on a button for the defrosting process.

"Hello and welcome to the defrosting of the person you are defrosting, in order to proceed please indicate the password in order to proceed" said a robotic voice.

"Shit" the bounty hunter growled before smashing all the buttons. Luckily, Han became free from the carbonite and landed face first on the floor.

"Ow, god damn it" he bounty hunter pulled him up from the floor and sat him up agaisnt the wall.

"Oh my god, I'm blind. I can't see a god damn thing" Han complained.

"Don't worry" the bounty hunter replied "it is a side affect from the freezing process but your eyesight will return in time."

"Where the hell am I, why do I smell beer and cold pizza?" Han asked.

"You are in Jabba's palace" The bounty hunter replied.

"Who are you?" Han asked. The bounty hunter removed it's mask and was revealed to be Princess Leia.

"The woman who loves you alot, the one who wants to make love to you and have your children" she replied.

"Oh my god, Leia you brave and very attractive woman, you've come to save me" Han replied in a cheerful tone. Leia started snogging his face off before helping him to his feet.

"Let's get out of here" leia said.

"About bloody time too, woah who smell's of bad B.O?" he asked.

"You do" Leia replied.

"Awwww crap" Han replied "well the sooner we get out of here, the sooner I can get some spary to get rid of this god awful smell." As the pair were about to leave, they heard a familiar laugh behind them.

"Ho ho ho ho ho."

"Is that santa claus?" Han asked.

"No, it be jabba" Jabba replied as he came from his hiding place.

"Oh shit" Han grumbled.

"You owe Jabba money" Jabba boomed.

"I know I do, I was going to pay you back but I got a little side tracked" Han said "just gimmi a break will you?"

"No, It be too late solo, you are now bantha poopoo" Jabba replied then turned to his green pig guards "take him to the dungeons." The green pigs grabbed hold of the blind Han and dragged him away. Jabba then focused his attention on Leia.

"Bring sexy woamn to jabba" he ordered his pig guards. They grabbed hold of Leia and bought her towards Jabba.

"Oh my god, you are grotesque" leia said as she came up close with jabba.

"And you are sexy" Jabba replied His tongue slithered out and leia looked discusted.

"Oh i cannot bear to watch" Threepio said as he gagged and turned around making a retching noise.

Han was thrown into the same cell where Chewie was being kept in.

"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" Chewie hollered and gave Han a big hug.

"Chewie is that you?" Han asked as he placed his arms out, feeling around for his furry companion.

"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" Chewie growled in response.

"Oh thank god, I cannot see a bloody thing" Han replied. Chewie picked up Han and hugged him.

"I can't see a bloody thing Chewie" Han said. Chewie growled pitfully and kissed Han on the cheek.

"Did you just kiss me?" he asked Chewie whilst looking at a wall, thinking that Chewie was stood in front of him.

"raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" chewie replied.

"You are very disgusting Chewie" Han said to the wall. Chewie slapped his forehead in annoyance as Han continued having a conversation with the wall, still thinking that Chewie was stood in front of him.

"raaaaaar" Chewie responded from behind Han.

"That's ok Chew-features, I understand" said Han then patting the wall "Oh my god Chewie, what have you done to yourself?" Chewie shook his head and back handed Han across the back of the head.

"Is there someone else in here?" he asked, looking around confused.

The next morning, some dude in a black cloak had snuck his way into Jabba's palace and was approached by two pig guards.

"Good day to you sir" said the first pig "My name is Bob and this is my twin brother Dave, what is your –ack." The first pig fell down dead before Luke turned to the other pig and forced choked him. He continued his way down the stair case and ran into Bibbit jones.

"You Luke Skywalker" bibbit jones said "You no be here." Luke gave Bibbit jones a weird look.

"Why are you talking like that?" he asked.

"Never you mind" Bibbt jones responded "you no be here."

"You will take me to jabba now" Luke said, waving his hand around in front of Bibbit jone's face.

"I take you to jabba now" Bibbit jones replied in a trance like voice.

"You are a great worshipper of the fat slug" Luke said.

"I am a great worshipper of the fat slug" Bibbit jones replied as they walked into the party room.

"and he will be more greatful if you give him a back massage" Luke continued as he approached jabba lying on his lazy the rock and with him was Leia chained up and wearing a gold bikini.

"And he will be more greatful if if I gave him a back massage" said Bibbit jones before whispering to Jabba who had woken up from his drunken sleep.

"Who be this deuch?" Jabba asked.

"It be Luke Skywalker" Bibbit jones replied.

"Who?" Jabba asked, confused.

"He was one in blue and white Robot message yesterday" bibbit jones replied.

"Ahhhhh yes, now Jabba remember" jabba replied "I thought I say no let him in."

"Shut up you fat jerk" Luke said calmly.

"Shut up you fat jerk" Bibbit Jones told Jabba who slapped him round his worm head with his flabby slug arm.

"You weak minded son of a bitch" Jabba raged "he be using old Jedi mind trick." Luke pulled the hood of his cloak down and bravely strode towards Jabba.

"You will bring Captain solo and chewbac-I mean the wookie to me or else you will suffer the consequences" he said to the fat slug like creature.

" Ho ho ho ho ho ho ho. You think jedi mind tricks work on jabba" jabba chuckled "but they no work on jabba."

"Damn" Luke muttered "didn't see that coming." Jabba laughed again as Threepio tried telling Luke he was standing on a trap door.

"Ho ho ho, I pull lever thingy and you fall through trap door you stand on" Jabba chuckled then pulled the lever thingy so Luke fell through the trap door and onto the floor below.

"Ok, now what's going to happen?" Luke wondered. At that moment he heard a big ferocious growl from behind him.

"Chewbacca, is that you?" he wondered.

"Roaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar" came the noise again.

"It's not chewbacca, it's the rancor" Threepio screamed. Luke turned around and saw a really small rancor snarling and waving it's tiny arms around.

"What is this?" Luke asked, smiling and folding his arms "is this supposed to scare me. I bet an old grandmother could beat this." The rancor roared again and grew in height so now it was about ten feet tall.

"Now that's what I call a quick growth" Luke pointed out. The rancor growled and tried to grab the would-be-jedi but he picked up a bone and shoved it in the rancor's mouth so it wouldn't eat him.

"Damn" Luke said "he sure does have bad teeth and bad breath." He pulled out a packet of mint flavoured mentos and some tic-tacs.

"Hey big fella, I think you could do with these" he said. The rancor growled in fury and swiped the mentos and tic-tacs from his hand.

"Ok, now i'm getting out of here" Luke said then ran towards the exit as the furious rancor chased after him, beating it's chest furiously. Luke then picked up a rock, threw it at some weird device thing and a big thousand tonne weight fell on the rancor and squished it dead.

"Ahhhhh" Jabba roared "bring Jabba solo and wookie,, they all be punished for this outrage."

About one second later, Luke was being pushed forward by two pig guards. The same was being done to Han and Chewie.

"What's going on?" Han asked.

"Han is that you?" Luke asked.

"Luke is that you?" Han asked "I'm kind of blind. Where is Leia?"

"I'm here" leia replied.

"and she's wearing a gold bikini" Luke told Han.

"Raaaaaaarrrr" chewie hollered.

"Oh curse me for being blind" han moaned "I wish I could see it. I bet she looks really hot."

"May I have your attention please" Threepio announced "the great jabba said you will taken to the almighty sarlaac and fed to the almighty sarlaac."

"Crap dogs" Han muttered.

"And then you will slowly digest for a billion years" Threepio continued before Han, Luke and chewie were hauled out by the pig guards.

"I have a bad feeling about this" Luke told Han.

"Don't we all" Han replied "don't we all."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter three

"Now I know that we're going to be terminated" Han said as he,Luke and Chewbacca were being taken to the almighty sarlaac after the whole rancor incident "but what termination are we facing again?"

"We're going to be fed to some creature thing called sarlaac or something like that" Luke replied.

"Oh yeah. I wonder what I taste like?" Han wondered as he had a far away look on his face "do you think I should ask Jabba if I can add some ketchup or mustard on myself to make me taste abit nicer?" Luke gave Han a really strange look and raised his eyerows while Chewbacca tried to stop himself from laughing.

"Look Han,no one's getting eaten" Luke told him "I got a plan that may just get us out of this really bad situation."

"Oh thank god for that " Han sighed "because I didn't want to get ketchup and mustard all over my best shirt. Oh and I think my eyesight is returning because I can see alot of sand and nothing else, like we're on a desert ."

"That's because we are on a desert" Luke told him.

Meanwhile, on his sail barge, Jabba was drinking a large bottle of jack Daniels whilst trying to flirt with Leia who was still in the gold bikini.

"You are sexy woman" Jabba said "Jabba wanna have boom shacka lacka with sexy woman." Leia had a look of discust on her , Threepio was exploring round the sail barge and kept getting hordes of abuse from many drunken Aliens.

"I don't know what those guy's problem is" Threepio said "I'm just a mere droid who isn't hurting any one."

Meanwhile, Artoo was rolling around, serving booze to the Aliens.

"Bleep bleep squat squat, squeal (translation: Come and get your beer here folks, many different kinds of beers from around the galaxy. Oh man I hate this job)." The little droid was still rolling around when someone accidently walked into him.

"Bleep bleep boop boop woo woo (translation: hey, watch were you're walking you god damn moron. Jesus.)." He looked and saw Threepio stood in front of him.

"Oh Artoo I am so sorry, I should be watching where I'm go-hang on, what are you doing carrying all this beer around. You haven't turned into an Alcho-Droid have you?" he asked suspisciously.

"Bleep boop boop squeak squeak woop woop (No, it's my new job which I didn't want to do it but they made me or else they'll rip me to pieces and turn me into a washing machine)." Artoo replied.

"Oh I see" Threepio replied.

"bleep bleep wab wab woop woop naa naa nee nee (so what's going on then?)" Artoo asked.

"Well,Master Luke, Han and Chewie are going to be executed" Threepio replied.

"Bloop bloop bleep bleep (awww that is just pure shit man)" was Artoo's response.

"What have I told you about bad lanquage?" Threepio snapped sternly. Artoo glumly bleeped and rolled away.

When they arrived at the sarlaac pit,Luke was the first one to go on the plank/diving board and he looked and saw something which resembled a venus fly trap with octopus tentecles.

"Feed me" the sarlaac squeaked "feed me."

"Ha, it can talk" Han said as he looked at the sarlaac.

"Now jabba will watch you get eaten by sarlaac while I sit on big fat ass" Jabba replied then adding an evil chuckle at the end.

"Ok jabba, either you let us go right now or else I'll ...........book you an appointment to get liposuction" Luke said.

"Ho ho ho ho ho, Jabba like to see you try" Jabba chuckled.

"Feed me" the sarlaac said again just as Artoo came rolling onto the roof of the sail barge. Luke looked up at Artoo and gave him a salute, a wink, thumbs up and a wave.

"Feed me" the sarlaac demanded.

"Do it" jabba ordered. One of the guards gave Luke a push and he went off the plank/diving board, but he jumped back up, did a somersault as Artoo shot out his lightsaber in the air.

"Thanks Artoo" Luke called to the droid then began waving the green lightsaber about, fighting off the guards.

"Nooooooo" Jabba screamed. Han decided he wanted to join in the fight as well and he punched Boba fett on the arm.

"What was that for?" he asked, rubbing the area where Han had punched it.

"For being a complete and utter jackass" Han replied before running off to punch another guard that was stood nearby.

"Ow, Han it's me lando you idiot." The guard who Han had just punched took off his mask and he was shocked to see it was Lando.

"Sorry landy, didn't know it was you" Han replied, going red in the face. As the fight continued, leia was strangling Jabba with the chain that was holding her.

"Jabba can't breathe, jabba going to die" was Jabba's last words as he slowly and painfully choked to death. Leia then asked Artoo to break the chain before she ran onto the roof still in the gold bikini. Meanwhile, Luke was fighting with Boba fett.

"Come on, is that the best you can do?" Luke yelled as he tried to fight of boba fett who was trying to throw punches at him but kept missing. Luke took one swipe at boba with his lightsaber and boba's trouser's vapourized.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Boba yelled, waving his arms around madly before falling into the sarlaac pit.

"Feed me" the sarlaac said as it gobbled up boba in one mouthful then let out a satisfied belch "tasty."

"Man" said Han who had just witnessed the whole thing "I bet boba's really pissed off now." Chewie roared in agreement. Leia had just arrived at the scene and ran towards big cannon, aimed it at jabba's sail barge and blasted it until it exploded.

"Wow" Han said "she's good."

"Come on leia, let's go" Luke called to her. She got on his back as he swung away from the sail barge and onto the ground.

"Hey leia, how about leaving that bikini on for a little longer eh?" Han suggested with a cheeky look on his face.

"Maybe I will, just for you fly boy" Leia replied.

"Let's move away very very slowly" Lando whispered to Luke as Han and Leia started snogging each other's faces off.

"I think we should move away very very slowly" Luke replied. He and Lando turned around and began moving away when Luke heard a thud and Leia giggling. He turned around with a discusted look on his face.

"Oh, get a room you two" he replied before leaving Han and Leia to finish their :ahem: activity.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

After the whole situation with Jabba and the sarlaac, the gang made their way back to the falcon which was parked in the middle of nowhere.

"Now, why is it just parked there like that in an open space?" Han asked "anyone could walk by and just take it."

"It ran out of gas" Lando replied "I had to travel thirty miles for the nearest gas station to get gas."

"And believe me, falcon petrol isn't cheap these days" C3po added "it cost him at least seventy credits just for four litres of the stuff."

"Damn that is expensive" Han said "but I don't care, I got petrol, hoo haa." He didn't a little dance and the others gave him the most strangest look any one could give and he realized what a complete fool he was being so he calmed down and turned towards Luke who was stood next to his x-wing, brushing his teeth.

"What in the world are you doing?" Han asked.

"He forgot to brush his teeth this morning" C3po pointed out.

"Bleep bloop bloop (translation: I am bored)" R2-D2 said.

"So, where are you going now then?" Han asked Luke after he had finished brushing his teeth.

"Well, I'm going back to the Dagobah system to see Yoda and then meet up with you guys after I've been there" Luke replied.

"Who is this Yoda dude anyway?" Han asked.

"He's an all powerful Jedi master" said Luke "now if you guys excuse me, I'm going now and I'll see you soon."

"Bleep,bloop,squak,splat (translation: Finally, I'm getting bored of waiting around here" R2 pointed out.

Meanwhile, Darth Hidious had just arrived at the half finished death star and Darth vader was waiting for him to come out of his shuttle. When he came out, it took him thirty minutes to get down the small ramp which would have probably taken a younger person two seconds and he was really as old as they say.

"Stand up, asshole" he told Vader in his old person's voice.

"Welcome master" Vader greeted.

"I want you to take me to my throne room at once" Hidious demanded "I'm old and I need to sit down."

"As you wish master" Vader replied.

"And I want to turn your son to the dark side of the force" the old sith barked as he false teeth came flying out of his mouth and hit a random storm trooper on the head.

"Ow" said the storm trooper "I may be wearing a helmet but I can still feel pain."

"That is because you're a wuss" said the storm trooper standing next to him.

"Well, you're a dick head" said the other storm trooper. vader forced choked them both and they fell to the ground, dead.

"Dang nabbit" Hidious raged "Vader, go and get me my false teeth and put them back in my mouth."

"As you wish my master" Vader said before reluctantly going to fetch Hidious's false teeth and putting them back in his mouth.

"That's better, now, show me to me throne room, mu ha ha ha ha ack ack ack, cough cough cough ha ha ha."

Back on Dagobah, Luke had just arrived to see that Yoda had gotten really old and was on his death bed.

"Look old to you, do I?" Yoda asked.

"Shut up, no way, what kind of talk is that" Luke said.

"Yes I do, when nine hundred old you reach, look as good, you will not" Yoda said "when younger I was, looked like this I did." Yoda then showed Luke a photo of a younger version of himself. He still looked like the little green elf creature he was except he had twelve pack abs and was holding a pair of dumbbells.

"Wow, you must have really worked out master yoda" Luke pointed out.

"Worked out plenty of times I did, but now, old I am, cannot have twelve pack again, die soon, I will" Yoda said as he climbed into his little yoda bed.

"Master yoda, can I ask you a question before you go?" Luke asked.

"Ask a question, you can" Yoda replied.

"Is Darth vader my father?" Luke asked.

"He is, yes" Yoda said.

"Holy shit" Luke muttered.

"Told you did he?" Yoda asked.

"yeah and he cut my hand off" Luke replied.

"Great parenting skills, vader has" Yoda said in sarcasm.

"Tell me about it" Luke agreed.

"I am fading fast, I see a white light at the end of the tunnel" Yoda said "by the way, you have a twin sister." Yoda died.

"Oh my god, not only is Darth vader my father but I also have a sister, damn" Luke muttered to himself. He went back outside to his x wing and R2 was repairing some parts.

"Bleep bloop, squeaky squeaky (translation: so, where is the little green elf creature known as yoda?)" R2 asked.

"He's dead" Luke replied.

"Bleep(translation: how?") R2 asked.

"Old age" Luke said. Just then, the ghost of Obi wan Kenobi appeared.

"Ben, why didn't you tell me Darth vader was my Father?" Luke asked "you lied to me, you liar."

"I know I did but I didn't want you turning to the dark side of the force like your father did" Obi wan pointed out.

"What's that got to do with it?" Luke asked.

"Well, if I told you that your father was on the dark side then I was afraid that you might be interested in joining the dark side too" the ghost said.

"As if I'd do that" Luke replied "I am not turning to the dark side and I never will. Oh ben, do I have a twin sister?"

"Yes you do?" Obi wan replied.

"Oh my god, don't tell me she's on the dark side too" Luke said.

"No she isn't, she is on your side, it's princess Leia, she is your sister" Obi wan replied.

"Whaaaaaat?" Luke asked in a similar way the Chris Griffin from family guy "oh my god, she kissed me back on hoth."

"When was that?" Obi wan asked.

"About a year ago" Luke replied "that is messed up and I…" his attention was drawn to a very attractive woman skipping through the swamps of Degobah.

"Hey, what's up with you?" Obi wan asked.

"Sorry, I got distracted" Luke replied "so, what was my father's real name?"

"His real name was Anakin and when he turned to dark side of the force, he became Darth vader" Obi wan replied.

"Ok" Luke said, who's attention was still focused on the attractive woman. He got up and went to follow her. R2 came rolling along.

"R2. It's going to be a long evening" Obi wan told the little droid.


End file.
